And then the petals fell
by Spookysstarbuck
Summary: Cath has a serious problem, doesnt she?
1. chapter 1

Title: And then the petals fell . Author: Mary Eve Parker ms.parker@gmx.at Spoilers: "Lady Heater's box" Rating: not sure yet - this is PG13 if at all, maybe R or NC-17 later but those parts will be marked Disclaimer: I borrowed them for a little bit, their actions and dialogues are mine! Note: Thanks to Mel for the beta *toddles* This is my first attempt on CSI FanFiction, so don't be too hard with me!  
  
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AND THEN THE PETALS FELL . Part 1/?  
  
Catherine was sitting at her daughter's bed with her letter to Santa Claus in her hands and tears in her eyes while she watched her daughter sleep. Eddie was dead. She was a single mother now with almost no family, at least no family she really felt attached to. The night Eddie died she cried herself to sleep with her Lindsey curled tightly against her back, trying to calm her mum down but it wasn't possible. Later she fell asleep completely exhausted.  
  
And now it was the beginning of December and her girl was about to celebrate the first Christmas as a half orphan. The thought made her cry again. Slowly she stood up, not wanting to wake her little darling, went to the living room, got herself a double Vodka on the rocks and sat down in the soft sofa.  
  
"Dear Mister Santa Claus I don't wish for much this year since there isn't a lot I can wish for. I know that you can't bring my Daddy back or make things undone, I know that. I don't want to see mum cry anymore and you know Santa she cries a lot. A couple of years ago I'd wished that they'd get back together and get me a little sister or brother but I know that it is impossible now. You know Santa, I really like Uncle Gil even if he is a little . I don't know . shy? Maybe you could bring him over to celebrate Christmas with us and mum won't have to cry all the time or pretend to smile. I don't wish for anything else. Yours, Lindsey Willows"  
  
Catherine's tears kept running down her cheeks, the letter drawn tightly to her chest.  
  
~*~  
  
"So here are the cases." Gil was standing in the middle of the room with a couple of files in his hand. "Here this is yours Nick." He shoved a file toward the young man with the dark hair. "You go with Catherine," he shot her a demanding look, "to this - it's a double homicide in the desert." "Any special reason why I have to get dirty?" Catherine asked him harshly. "Because it is your job to collect and analyse evidence," was the only thing he said before he gave a suicide/ homicide case to Warwick and Sara. He had assigned himself some paperwork.  
  
When Gil sat down in the office, Catherine stormed in, furious, and closed the door with a loud bang. "How dare you send me to a double homicide in the desert?" "Have you read the file?" "I don't need to read the file to see that you are ditching me." "Hell Catherine what's up? I am not ditching you. I just handed the cases out, nothing more and I thought that you'd be better on it than Sara or Warwick. Okay?" She didn't dare to look at Gil, still being furious. "It's a double homicide of two twelve year old girls, okay? I thought that being a mother would make it hard on the one hand but you'd be much more open to every possibility on the way to solve this case."  
  
Catherine left Grissom's office without saying a word.  
  
~*~  
  
"You okay Cath?" Nick asked her in the car. "Sorry that you had to wait, everything is fine, yes .fine." She was silent the whole drive to the desert. It felt strange to Nick because he learned one thing since he was working with Catherine - Don't push her.  
  
Brass was already waiting when they arrived and showed them the bodies. Nick felt bile rise in his throat and Catherine had to hold back her tears. The two girls were laying there in their neat Sunday dresses, hints that they'd been sexually assaulted, blood staining their chests, and a knife lying next to them. The evidence was little, just tyre prints in the hard sand, no footprints or other items that could help them. Nick was leaning hard against the car, facing the opposite side of the endless desert and sipping on a water bottle. "What's up with her?" Brass asked Nick. "I don't know but since Eddie is dead she isn't the same anymore. It got her harder than I'd imagined." "Yes but on the other hand I thought they ." "Well they didn't get along well but he was Lindsey's dad and whenever she needed a timeout he was taking care of Linds." "Maybe she needs a timeout now?" "I've noticed she's been drinking, I don't want her to be alone." "Talk to Gil, they've known each other for so long." "I thought the same till this morning. But when he handed out the cases she flipped at him, why she'd go to the desert with me." "Its not about you Nick, she is hurt, seriously hurt and she wants Gil's attention." "You think?" Nick asked the older police officer.  
  
Catherine and Nick finished the collecting the evidence and headed back to the office. Catherine was unnaturally calm in Nick's eyes. She was never a really chatty person but she liked to talk and to him especially. And Nick wasn't blind. He had noticed that she had lost a couple of pounds since Eddie's death and he hardly ever saw her eating anything, only drinking one cup of coffee after the other. He knew, from personal experience, that this wasn't healthy and not working if you have a kid to look after. He never thought that she, this strawberry blond beauty, would hurt herself in any way but it was too obvious now. Should he talk to Grissom? Talk to the boss and blame him for not watching out for his best friend, good friend, colleague?  
  
"Do you want to talk Catherine?" Catherine looked at Nick, "What about?" "I feel that you aren't fine." "I am okay." "No you are not even okay Catherine, you are really . I don't know how to describe it." "So don't."  
  
~*~  
  
TWO NIGHTS LATER  
  
When Grissom came into his office he found Catherine asleep on the sofa, not even the soft creaking of the door waking her. It was early for her to be in. He closed the door behind himself and slowly walked to the break room where he met Nick. "Oh could you give me a minute alone," Gil asked him and shot him a look. "Sure," the younger man said and left.  
  
Slowly he dialled the familiar number. "Willows," he heard a soft voice on the other end. "Lindsey?" "Uncle Gil." "Honey I've got to ask you something." "Okay," she replied. "Can you tell me why your mum is in so early today?" "She wasn't doing well I guess, she never is lately." "What do you mean?" "She doesn't want me to tell anybody." "What about if I come over, let your mum sleep a little, and bring pizza." "And a bug?" "Okay, I could bring my spider." "That would be fun!"  
  
It took Gil about half an hour to get the pizza and drive to Catherine's home. How much did he want not to question the little girl about her mother's lately behaviour! Nobody had told him how it was to work with her but he could see it in Catherine's face and in Nick's, with whom she had worked during the last shifts, that something wasn't working out and that the case wasn't making any progress. Catherine was his best CSI and he couldn't risk losing her, nor did he want to.  
  
He had the pizza in one hand, the spider's box in the other and rang the bell. Little Miss Willows opened the door clad in thick pink flannel pyjamas with little spiders on it which he had given her last Christmas.  
  
"Hey Linds," Gil said and tried to smile while searching the living room. "Hello Uncle Gil, do you have Bubo with you?" He handed her the see-through box and he could see her smile, a wide and open smile, a smile he remembered seeing on Catherine's lips very often. "Where do you want to eat," Gil asked while he brought the pizza to the kitchen. "Coffee table? We could watch this one spider movie." "Sure punch-head go put it into the VCR and start it I will be out in a sec, and don't forget to take care of Bubo." He asked himself when his spider had been named and why it was Bubo but for the kid's joy he didn't say a word. Slowly he made his way through the cupboards, normally filled with lots of groceries, today nearly empty, to find some plates. When he had the pizza on two plates he started to put the box away and noticed a couple of half empty alcohol bottles in the cupboard under the sink, two empty ones in the basket next to it.  
  
Not wanting to make the girl suspicious he brought the pizza out, took some coke with him and they ate together and watched the movie in peace and quiet. The little girl played with the spider for a while before cuddling against Gil's chest. She fell asleep to the sounds of a documentary on whales and dolphins.  
  
~*~  
  
SAME TIME - OTHER PLACE  
  
"Where is Gil?" Catherine asked Nick and he just shrugged, knowing full well that he was with her baby. Without asking or calling she handed out the cases and made herself work with Warwick this night, answering none of Nick's questions or letting herself be pushed around.  
  
It was simple, a car accident, but nevertheless they would have to go out and collect evidence. Catherine wasn't into talking, not since she found herself sleeping in Gil's office, not sure when or how she fell asleep there or even got there or why the hell he hadn't woken her since it was obvious that he had been in to get his jacket. But those things were topics she didn't caring about, not anymore, maybe three or four months ago she would have but not today, never again, maybe somewhere in the future but she wasn't sure. Now she only needed more coffee and maybe a shot of vodka wouldn't be bad but she told herself more than once that she won't drink a drop of it at work, not here. She would risk everything with it and she couldn't, not now, not since Eddie was dead and she had to take care of Lindsey on her own.  
  
Warwick had been talking to Nick after he saw him with a worried expression in the break room a couple of days ago and Nick told him what he saw in Catherine, the big loss which hadn't been worked on yet. Both weren't sure why it bothered her so much since Eddie had been beating and betraying her, even in her own bed. But a night ago they were sitting at a club and talking and after a few beers Warwick told Nick what he thought, that Catherine wasn't getting over it because she'd never really gotten away from Eddie. She left him because he betrayed her and Lindsey. And he hasn't heard that there have been any men since her divorce except for her best and only friend Gil. "Has there really been none?" Nick asked Warwick while putting his beer down on the table. "Well you can ask Catherine and she'll answer but I'll be embarrassed for the fucking rest of my life," he answered with a male chuckle, imagination how Catherine would stare at him or shoot him "the look". "It would have been fun to ask before he died but it's not like you are signing your papers for the death row on your own." "Yes you are right, I will talk to Grissom."  
  
That's what Warwick did the next time he saw Grissom and he noticed the older man taking it seriously. Gil Grissom was the one who knew every detail of Cath's fucked up life, her dancing, her husband, her drugs.  
  
Catherine collected her evidence, didn't see the stone on the very end of the sidewalk and fell. For a long second she just laid there, everything black, with closed eyes. The next moment, when she opened her eyes, she saw the handsome black man kneeling next to her, telling the policemen a couple of feet away that he should call the ambulance. She had the feeling of not being able to move, not her head, lips or eyes. She was just laying there with her eyes open staring into the night.  
  
Warwick went with Cath to hospital. In the beginning the doctors didn't want to tell him what happened to her since he was not family but then, after some comforting words from him to her on her bedside, the doctor asked him to leave the room. "Mr. Brown, you are working with Mrs. Willows?" the doctor asked him seriously. "Yes, I am. She is second in charge at the CSI." "Well then I have to tell you, unfortunately, that it seems to me like she has a serious alcohol problem. I don't know her background but she isn't doing well." "Background . her ex-husband died a couple of months ago and he nearly killed her daughter with the accident. I think since then it's been going downhill with her. She refuses to talk to any of us, not even Grissom which has never happened before." "Could you ask him to come over?" "Well to be honest he was about to spend some time with her daughter, my co told me and I think that's very important for Lindsey." "Willows . now I remember it, wasn't she married to this music producer?" "Like I said Eddie was killed a couple of months ago but as far as I know he turned into a music producer after they got divorced." "No she was before too, I may be old but not stupid, I remember pretty faces like hers. She'd been here with Lindsey a couple of times and refused to call her husband or anybody. But it's been quite some time since I saw her last, maybe four or five years." "Why was she here?" "It would be the best if you ask her yourself. I shouldn't be talking to you about this at all." "She won't tell me, I know her." "If she doesn't tell you maybe this Grissom can, he knows of it." What the hell was going on with her - was what Warwick asked himself.  
  
When they had finished with the evidence and had a talk with the coroner they went back to analyse the data and let the coroner autopsy the body. Warwick studied Catherine or whatever was left of the beautiful CSI he was working under.  
  
"Catherine?"  
  
XxXxXxXxXxX End Part 1  
  
More? Mail me: ms.parker@gmx.at 


	2. chapter 2

Title: And then the petals fell . Author: Mary Eve Parker ms.parker@gmx.at Spoilers: "Lady Heater's box" Rating: not sure yet . gimme an R for now, imagination may be a little higher . Disclaimer: I borrowed them for a little bit, their actions and dialogues are mine! Note: Thanks to Mel for the beta *toddles* This is my first attempt on CSI FanFiction, so don't be too hard with me! Can be found at: to Karen for her beta ;)  
  
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AND THEN THE PETALS FELL . Part 2/?  
  
Catherine's eyes were closed and Nick was sitting next to her bed, holding her hand. He had always seen the real woman inside her, the woman behind all those walls. The walls she thought only Grissom could penetrate. But since Eddie died, none of them had gotten close to her since then.  
  
Her hand was cold, her nails short, shorter than normal. Her skin was paler too, he noticed. Nick has always noticed things around Catherine. And Cath? She had never made fun of him favouring her at work instead she liked the way he stayed too close sometimes. The way he admired her sexy outfits, her changing hair - and of course she enjoyed him telling her how good she looked. But she did draw a line, painted some boundaries. They had the "talk", telling him that she liked their relationship the way it was, that it would never move beyond friendship. So they worked together, were friends, and deep inside he knew where her heart was. Even if she didn't want to admit it, he knew that her heart belonged to Grissom. She wasn't playing with him that had been important for her to pull a line here. She liked him and she told him that he is a good looking guy, but much too young for her - he could easily be her son. Both know that this was a lie but who cared.  
  
It was enough for him that she cared, that she was important enough to her to deserve her honesty. She had told him that she was too old for him, that he was young enough to be her son. They both knew that this was a lie but the laughter helped them find their way back to normal.  
  
Now she was asleep in front of him, her face looked so soft, carefree, and young. Even the soft lines around her eyes and in the corners of her mouth didn't seem to age her. She looked at peace now. When had he last seen her at peace? Cat kept up such a façade at work, never letting anyone in. She hid her problems and all the other things that bothered her as best as she could. But he had tried to talk about her personal life twice in the last few days, and she hadn't wanted to talk. Her answers had been short and snippy.  
  
Her hair was tousled around her face, the soft strawberry blond he liked such a lot, her lips softly red, her eye lashes long without any mascara. Since Eddie died Catherine didn't care much for make up, special cloths or her health.  
  
~*~  
  
Grissom carried Lindsey to her room and on his way out he took all the dirty clothes from the hamper with him. He had realised that there was no way Catherine had coped with Eddie's death. He wasn't able to see why it was like this, she had broken up the relationship because he betrayed her all the time, hit her .  
  
He let the clothes fall on the floor and went to Catherine's room, shocked at the mess he found. Dirty clothes were spilled all over. There were empty bottles next to her bed and a diary, open on the night stand. Grissom told himself that he shouldn't interfere but he already had - he cared too much for her to turn back now.  
  
But the first thing he had to do was the laundry. He put the dirty clothes in front of the washing machine, sorted them and put the first load in. It would turn into a long night, he resigned himself to the task ahead and thoughts of Catherine.  
  
While the machine was working he cleaned the kitchen, vacuumed the living room and Catherine's small office in which a couple of boxes were stored.  
  
Gil went to the first one and opened it. In there were photo albums, books and CDs -everything Eddie had left. There had been nobody to get his stuff, so she did. A pile of unopened letters was on her desk. He noticed the sender - all stuff that should be taken care of. Gil Grissom told himself that she was his oldest friend that he has to take care of Lindsey and all the other things for a while, to get her back to her normal self.  
  
It was nearly midnight when things were finished and he was able to hang the first load of wet cloths onto cloth-horse. Never before he had touched Catherine's expensive underwear, of course he had imagined what she would wear under those tight pants. More than once he had seen her change, but only flashes of shirts coming off, a hint of bra straps. How he wished he could be touching these garments under different circumstances.  
  
But this was different. Gil was allowed to touch the soft silk, the lace and of course the lovely small kiddo cotton panties with the Barbie dolls on it and the horses from Linds.  
  
After two in the morning he finally decided to call Nick to see what was going on.  
  
"I can't talk right now Grissom." "Hell, where are you?" "Hospital with Catherine," he said shortly. "What? Why didn't you call? I mean ." "Don't mean anything Grissom; Lindsey needed you there. She doesn't need to see you scared, Catherine wouldn't want that." Gil told himself that the young CSI was probably right with it. He sat down on the sofa and started to think.  
  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX FLASHBACK XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
  
"I am sure that you can help me on that," Catherine said. "Why do you want me to help you, Catherine? You know I would be no good as a.," Grissom replied in an ice tone. Catherine froze at his words. "You can even set the rules on it; I just go for the result." "What do you mean by rules," he asked her, staring into her deep-sea blue eyes. "You can decide the *where* and *how* and more or less the time." "More or less?" "It's a special time of the month, so it wouldn't make a lot of sense if we ." "I understand it. Okay, so when will *this* time be?"  
  
Catherine sat down on the seat in front of his desk, her hands nervous on her tights. She got a new hair cut a couple of days ago, and he didn't even notice. Not that she expected it, but hoped that he might say something; their new circumstances demanded a little attention didn't they? She wasn't used to feeling like this, this nothingness inside had to stop. Gil had to help her.  
  
"You don't have to do it; I can also ask somebody else or get myself to LA for an anonymous ." "We can do it at my place. Let's not turn this into something that it is not. No foreplay. We have objectives to achieve," he sighed, but he didn't seem nervous. It was the lack of emotion that lay heavy in Catherine's heart. But he was right, they were doing a deal here, why paint it as something else? "No kissing, no sweet talk, no pretending." Catherine couldn't show him her hurt soul; she buried it deep inside, next to the wound where Eddie had hurt her. She had known that Gil had a problem with closeness but she had hopped that things would work out between them, and that this request wouldn't start any problems. And it didn't. He was cold, a businessman. So she added, "No right of custody, and no sign of your name in the birth certificate." "Okay, if that's what you want. You get normal maternity leave and no one will know that I was involved in this, in any way." Catherine stood up and went towards the door which she had closed after she entered. Her shift was nearly over and she just wanted to go home, and cry. The look hurt, but he was helping her, helping her to get rid of this feeling deep inside her, the feeling of loneliness. Lindsey was growing up and she saw her chance, to be a good mother, in a second child.  
  
She adored nothing in this world more than her daughter. She knew she would never love anyone as much in her life. Except this new life she was trying so hard to create. She knew that she needed to spend more time with Lindsey, needed to make her smile again. Thing were going to change.  
  
"We have three days, starting in two days. I will be there. If you change your mind, let me know on time so I won't miss my change this month, and look for somebody else."  
  
Of course she knew that there would be nobody else this month, and nobody else the next. And in case he wasn't helping her, she would go to a sperm bank. She had read of a good one in LA where also a couple of scientist had donated, even some Hollywood stars. She never wanted to have a baby from a star, she wanted one from Gil. Her best friend, a best friend who was pulling away from her. Was this Lady Heather's doing? Or worse, was it Sara? Grissom just nodded in response to her request, so she escaped to the locker room intent on going home. But the need to react was so strong, she couldn't stop it. And the tears came.  
  
"Catherine," a soft Texan voice cam from behind, startling her. His rested on her shoulder, making her feel all the worse for his kindness. It was too much; she wiped away her tears and left him alone with his concerns.  
  
Nick already saw that something was wrong. He had never been able to take his eyes off her, and off the fact that she admired Gil with all his mistakes and his incredible stubbornness. For a long time he had seen them getting closer, getting more familiar with each other, but not this time. Catherine Willows, the strong and independent mother, had been crying and Cath cried rarely without occasion.  
  
He had never seen her cry like this, except maybe on a tough case if there were kids involved. Kids that reminded her of her daughter and the precious gift she was.  
  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX FLASHBACK END XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
  
Warwick was still sitting at her bed, caressing her hand. She had softly stirred in her sleep and that had woken him from his trance. The doctor had already told him more than he was allowed to, since he was not family. And it was bothering him that he hadn't a clue why she had been in hospital before and that Gil knew about it but nobody HAD wanted to tell him.  
  
A soft know on the door made him turn around and he saw Nick Stokes standing there, looking tired beyond reason. War made his way to the door, closed it behind them and they sat down in the room outside. "Cath's alcohol problem is serious the doc told me. And then he added something, Nicky, that made me think; he said that Cath has been here before. That he remembered her that she always refused to call anyone. But the thing is that Grissom knows about it." Nick was silent, he had a clue what this was about, but he had ignored the evidence. He had heard some hushed shouting from Grissom's office a couple of weeks ago, but he had tried to ignore it, let it be. There were shouts of "you never did Gil" and "you are as cold as an ice rock". "Where is Grissom," Nick asked War, who had his face buried in his hands - sighing deeply. "He's with Lindsey. I talked to him a couple of hours ago, Linds needs him more than she does now." "Yeah . and where is Sara, do you know?" "She's in the lab, working through the evidence of the Lautrec-Case." "Sara never liked Catherine you know." "I know but Cath didn't exactly make any effort either." "Nick, you and I both know the problem between the two of them has always been Grissom. Cath has known him forever, and you know he adores Linds. But Sara, she and Grissom have a spark too - and Sara is the one who had the guts to talk about her feelings." "And you're forgetting Lady Heather, that didn't help Cath and Grissom." "I know," he remembered how Cath had started to withdraw more when she found out about Lady Heather; he remembered how it had changed the older couple's relationship.  
  
~*~  
  
Gil hadn't slept more than four hours but he was used to it. Silently he went to Lindsey's room to see if she was already awake, she wasn't. The little girl in her bug pyjamas was curled up into her baby blue blanket, Bubo placed on her desk. She looked so perfect. Her strawberry blond hair, which's shade was just a little lighter than her mum's, was spilled over the pillow, her moth slightly open and he could see her small white teeth and the soft red tongue. He was surprised at how much the sight of her comforted him. He went into Catherine's bedroom and opened the windows wide to let some of the sunny fresh air into the room. He had changed the sheets on her bed before he had made himself a bed on the sofa last night.  
  
Her diary was still on her nightstand, open. He had told himself the whole night that he had no right to read it. But he cared for her even if he wasn't able to show.  
  
"220th Entry: I lost it again. I lost our baby, our son. I know the first time it happened it was too early to tell the gender, but this time I had to know. They told me it was a little boy, that he would have been my little boy. I wasn't showing yet, but I was looking forward to it, I looked forward to tell everybody about it. The father would have been my secret, but the child was ours - mine and Gil's. I shouldn't have been on this case but I wanted it so much. Grissom needed to be persuaded that I could do it. Maybe he gave in easily to avoid another confrontation. Maybe he just wanted to get rid of me. As soon as I knew, I told him I was pregnant again, but there were no smiles, nothing. All I wanted was for him to hold me a moment. But that wasn't to be, all I got was coldness, ice. So I left him, and came home to write this, to weep. But Nicky disrupted this, coming over with the purse I'd left at work. He let me cry, he held me. He wrapped a blanked around me and held me tight in his strong arms. He held me all night as I cried, but still I kept my secrets, not wanting to come undone anymore than I already had. I felt like I was betraying this kind man by my silence, this kind man who was becoming one of my only real friends. But all I can think about is that I lost my baby, my last chance. I can't try again. My wish will never come true. I will never have a baby with Grissom. I will never be a mother to his child. Lindsey will remain my only child. I should have tried for more children while I was still with Eddie, maybe a second child would have stopped him from being such an ass. But Eddie is an ass, when I told him about my pregnancy, when he was picking Linds up, he just smiled. There were no kind words or questions about the father. He already knew."  
  
With those words the entry ended.  
  
XxXxXxXxXxX End Part 2  
  
More? Mail me: ms.parker@gmx.at 


	3. chapter 3

Title: And then the petals fell ... Author: Mary Eve Parker ms.parker@gmx.at Spoilers: "Lady Heater's box" Rating: not sure yet ... R Disclaimer: I borrowed them for a little bit, their actions and dialogues are mine! Note: you'll find the one or other lyric of Shania Twain & Bon Jovi in there ;) This is my first attempt on CSI Fan Fiction, so don't be too hard with me! Can be found at: to Karen for her quick and fantastic beta-job!  
  
XxXxXxXxXxX  
  
AND THEN THE PETALS FELL ... Part 3/?  
  
With the open book in his hands, he perched at the edge of her bed, afraid of intruding on her private space. He had never meant to hurt her, never. Things just had gotten out of hand.  
  
It was already to early morning but there would be no sleep for him, no rest. He had changed the sheets in her room but everything still smelt like Catherine, the smell he WAS addicted TO – soft lavender with a shot of rose in it, a little cinnamon and strawberry. It was unique, uniquely Catherine.  
  
He stripped down to his boxer shorts and climbed into her bed, sitting up against the headboard to allow him to read. He started to skim through the book, pausing to look at the night sky shining through the open curtains. He watched the moon in the sky and laughed slightly as feelings of jealousy coursed through him. He was jealous of the moon. The moon that shared more intimacy with Catherine then he had.  
  
"168th Entry Finally I was brave enough to ask him about the donation and he agreed to it, but there were terms. I agreed to everything he wanted because I want this child, I need it. I need to feel alive again. I am not getting any younger and a child would be the best sort of miracle for me now. And for Lindsey, I've always wanted Lindsey to have a sister or brother. When I asked her this morning what she thought about it, how she would feel about a baby in the house. She smiled that smile of hers, and hugged me for a long time. She is still my baby but I don't want her to be alone. My peek of fertility will be next week. After so many years I know my body well enough to say so.  
  
The hard bit will be telling him that we have to try. And I am more than a little afraid of having this conversation, afraid he'll see that I want to be with him. That I want sex with him. It's been a long time for me, and I have to admit I miss sex. I am afraid of how I might react when we are together, that my body will betray me, that he will make me cry out his name in pleasure. But that's something that I musn't do, Grissom wants us to have sex at the office, so screaming his name would be bad ... anyway, ....I will do my best to remove myself from this moment, to ignore the sensation running through my body. I will be silent; I will bite down the words. It's just sex, I have to remember that. It's what he wants, no feelings or comfort involved. Its sex I have to remember the reason behind it and not lose myself in his touch."  
  
(Eva, I have suggested a few changes for that diary entry, the ones in the beginning are just short, grammar related etc. The longer part I've written out is a suggestion because I think that Catherine would perhaps be a little less clinical about what she was doing with him, we need to believe that she DOES want him. Also I suggest you take out the word ' fucking' not because I'm a prude, but because I don't think what they are doing is fucking. If that were so then they would be having a passionate affair, this is sex with a purpose, to make a baby. This isn't passionate, this is functional, that's why I've suggested using 'sex' instead.)  
  
He read this entry over and then over again, trying to understand her thoughts. What was she saying? What was she confessing here? The sun was beginning to rise, it was beautiful. He wished Catherine could see it.  
  
"That could be it. But what if I can't do that? What if he guesses? What if its so obvious how I feel? I fear, I really far, my love will be written all over my face. But, but I know he isn't in love with me, and I don't blame him for it. No, I don't. Why would he love me? Every single day that I see him I think that maybe it will happen, he will realise my feelings, that he will change his. But it never happens and I come home to my empty bed. I think that's why I can barely sleep more than four to five hours at a time. Today when I spoke to him he was so cold, his beautiful smile was gone from his lips. I could never have imagined he would make me feel like that, that he could be so cold, distant. But I have to remember what I am asking for, I am changing his life. Asking him to change his life to satisfy my needs. What if this is the worst kind of mistake? I need to sleep on this, need to find the clarity I thought was already there."  
  
He remembered the next after, the day after this entry. She came to his office after the shift, but he hadn't been there. She placed a note on his PC "We will start next week if you are still in it. C." She always signed her notes to him with a smile "C". For all the others she wrote Cath or even Catherine if it was something for Sara but this "C" belonged to him and only him. There has never been anybody else in his life that cared like her for him and now he was refusing her to be with him, not in the animalistic sexual way, he gave her his body. No this wasn't right. She gave him hers. He didn't care that much. He was angry, angry about himself.  
  
The sun was high on the sky now, the shade of red filling the room. The colour made him think of her, and what he had done. Now he realised that he had been the biggest asshole on God's earth.  
  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX FLASHBACK XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
  
Cath was wearing a pink knee length skirt and a white top with it. It had taken her nearly an hour to find the right outfit for the "after shift meeting" with Gil. She didn't want to look cheap but on the other hand not too impressive either. He had made it clear that this was business for him and nothing else. So she had to work with it. She could do it, that's what she told herself every few seconds.  
  
She entered the office but he wasn't there yet. She didn't sit down on the sofa or a chair at his desk; no she was studying the bugs on the wall. She was nervous as hell, but she was doing the right thing. Wasn't she?  
  
He came half an hour later. She was still standing at the wall, studying one of his books. Gil studied her carefully. He hadn't seen her in a skirt for a long time. But it was easier to get rid of, he told himself, she was helping him.  
  
"Catherine," he said with a monotone voice. "Gil," he could see in her posture that she was nervous. Honestly, he didn't care about her nerves, he had himself to protect. She wanted something from him, and he was about to give it to her. Catherine did look vulnerable to him, a look perhaps only he would have recognised. It's the look she wore when she told him she was pregnant with Lindsey, but that was long ago.  
  
Slowly she looked up from the book, put it back on the shelf and moved to him. He noticed that the white top she wore was practically sheer, that he could see the white lace of her bra underneath, the bra that covered her breasts, hiding them, caressing them. Despite himself he thought of her body, though of how sensitive she was. Thought of how she would respond if he were to reach out and touch her the way he yearned to.  
  
She stopped in front of him and looked up at him. Her sea blue eyes stared at him. He had never seen such a shade of blue, never. Suddenly she smiled.  
  
Before he could think of anything else she went to the door and locked it. Good, he wouldn't have been able to think of it. She came back, slowly, and he noticed her hips how they softly swung with every step. Tell me what you want, he thought while watching her. She was a beauty and the years had made her even more beautiful. When she was younger she was beautiful but differently, she was rounder. Now she was a real woman with her own taste, shape, instincts and opinion. She had changed a lot since she'd found out about Eddie's betrayal.  
  
"Do you want to talk before?" She shook her head. She couldn't think of a topic. "Do you want to?" "I guess we don't need to." "Do you need me to ...?" "No, I will take care of it." "Where?" "I thought maybe ...." He looked around the room, "the desk?" Catherine also looked around the room. She'd preferred the couch but it was his decision she was just thankful for his help. She nodded, AND slowly went to it. Cath had no clue where or how he wanted it. No words were spoken. The moment she was in front of him, between him and the desk he studied her lips carefully. Does she want me to kiss her? But the reply came to him straight away, of course she didn't. She just wanted sex; it's what she asked for. So his hands reached for her hips, turning her round so that she was facing the door, her back in contact with his chest.  
  
So this was how he wanted it? His hands on her hips. Slowly. One hand suddenly left. She heard the sound of a zipper going down, belt and button being opened. And then the trousers puddled around his legs. Softly she leant forward, her hands on his desk. There was no talking, still. She wanted him to tell her anything, anything she didn't care what. Gil yanked his boxer shorts down and the next thing she felt was his erection pressing against her butt.  
  
With a couple of quick moved he had her skirt pulled up around her hips, and her silky underwear became a torn piece of fabric on the floor. His touch was giving her Goosebumps, but there was an uneasiness which she couldn't avoid. He was being rough, he was being like Eddie. She knew that he was aroused, that he had been since his eyes moved to her underwear barely hidden by her top. She wished she was around too, wished it was as easy for her. She felt him bend her body slightly, felt moving behind her, his arousal pressing against her skin. And then all she felt was him inside her. Catherine gasped in pain, he heard her gasp in pain. He wanted to wait a little, let her adjust, but it was too much. He suppressed a moan deep in his throat. He had imagined this moment many times, but he never thought it would be this delicious. Her hard muscles were accepting him to her body. But that wasn't enough; he wanted it to be better, to be more. How could he not? He couldn't resist touching her a little, running his hand up and down her spine, enjoying that she relaxed a little more at his touch. He continued to move inside her, while she remained still. She couldn't think of her now, he had to be selfish or he would feel too much. He wanted to enjoy this for what it was, sex. Human contact, he couldn't remember the last time he had felt human contact like this. So it shouldn't matter that he wanted more.  
  
It didn't take him long to come and he was sorry that she didn't climax with him. He wanted to hear her cry out his name, but that was not what this was about. He had done as he asked, he came inside her to try and make a child she wanted so much.  
  
After he came he almost lost his balance. His arms pulled her tighter against him; he thought he heard her sigh at his tough. This felt more intimate than the sex, the two of them resting against each other gasping for breath. But to think this was wrong, he had simply done his job, he shouldn't be enjoying her touch so much.  
  
When he slipped out of her, Gil went without saying anything towards the bathroom to clean him up. When he came back he saw her pulling down her skirt and without a second look she went towards the door. "Tomorrow," he asked softly. "Yes," she replied quickly and left.  
  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX END FLASHBACK XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
  
He was sitting still on the bed when Lindsey came in with the spider he brought over, chatting with it. He couldn't look at her now, not now. "Linds, could you give me a minute?" "Sure, I am in the living room with Bobo." "Thanks baby." "I am not a baby," she returned. She was like her mother. So cute. Why did he have to say that, how cute Catherine was. Why hadn't he ever told Catherine this before? Slowly he pulled him together and went to Catherine's bathroom taking a quick shower. He even borrowed her white fluffy robe, he didn't care.  
  
When he came to the living room Lindsey was staring at him with her big blue eyes. She was looking such a lot like her mother – unbelievable, he thought.  
  
Gil knew that he would need to talk to Catherine's little daughter, speak to her like to an adult. He had to tell her that her mum was in hospital and that she will remain there for a little while to get well again.  
  
He grabbed a cup of coffee and sat down next to Lindsey, silently, watching her play with the spider. "Lindsey, I have to talk to you." She sat down next to him with the box in her hands, watching the spider move FROM one side to the other - he was quite a hairy thing. "Your mum ..." "She cried a lot Uncle Gil." He looked at her and put a stray curl of her hair behind Lindsey's ear. "I know", he didn't, but he didn't want Lindsey to know that. "Do you know why?" The little girl shook her head "No I had a bad dream, and I wanted to sleep in bed with her, but she wouldn't let me into the room. She told me I was old enough to sleep in my own bed," she was silently crying, and it broke his heart all over again. "You are a big girl Linds." "But it was a horrible dream!" "I know. I am sure that she didn't do it on purpose. She had a hard time." Why did she have to look at him like that? The same questioning look her mother gave him so many times. "You remember the time I brought your mum to the hospital?"Lindsey nodded. "It hurt her a lot." "Oh," was the girl's reply. "You know Linds, not every wound is outside. Sometimes it can hurt inside too," he said and put his finger over her heart, "in there and it can hurt more than when you have a blood knee." "But mum was bleeding when we brought her to hospital." "Yes and that healed. Okay ... when somebody hits you and then you fall, you are angry about it. Aren't you?" "Sure." "And you have been told that you aren't allowed to hit back so can't do anything. Right?" She nodded, "And your mum felt like somebody had hurt her and she couldn't do anything against it." "Oh ..." "Warwick brought her to the hospital again last night and she has to stay there for a little while." "Will you stay with me? I don't ..." "Of course," he replied softly and pulled the now crying girl into his lap and his strong arms encircled her, pressing the sobbing form against his chest. "Daddy left ...." "She will come back I swear it Lindsey, she just needs a little time to get better. And I will stay with you till then, okay?" The sobs stopped and she stayed silently in his arms, her face pressed against his chest.  
  
He wasn't too proud of any of that. He had never had done anything like that before. But over the last year he had done a lot of new things, and a lot of things he wasn't proud of.  
  
He held the child as he now wanted to hold her mother. He wanted to hold Catherine and tell her how wrong he had been. He wanted to tell her that she was the most perfect woman in the world to him. He wanted to tell her how he loved all of her, the swing in her hips, the width of her smile. God, he even loved the way she chewed gum when she was nervous. He wanted to tell her that he loved her. He wanted to tell her that he wanted to make love to her, in a bed, and with love. He wanted to kiss her skin, and hear her sigh his name. He wanted that, more than anything else. He new this would not happen easily, that he would have to work hard to even make her talk to him again. He had been so distant these last months and he had shamefully neglected her. Brass had tried to tell him of the changes in Cath, but he had ignored him. How could Brass have noticed and he, the man that shared the most intimate of all experiences with her, have noticed nothing? Or did he just ignore what he couldn't bare? Finally he surrendered to the tears, he couldn't stop them anymore. Soft little rivers poured down his unshaved cheeks, dropping onto Lindsey's sweet head. But Lindsey didn't move, she was brave like her mum. She let herself be comforted and be a comfort. She let herself feel loved and cared for, so did he.  
  
Maybe there was a chance that her Christmas dream was about to come true?  
  
XxXxXxXxXxX End Part 3  
  
More? Mail me: ms.parker@gmx.at 


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